Sunday, January 19, 2014

The Blue Beard Room

notes for the novel: Watarrka Sunrise

I am a writer. Some part of me insists I write about my confusion, which interrupted a three day vacation in Lamington. I need to figure out how to understand what has transpired during this time in my relationship with Liam. 

I am confused, but I am also concerned that to tell Liam I am confused will leave him feeling a sense of responsibility.  That is not what I want.  What I do want is to inhabit some corner of his brain so that I can listen in on the process of his making meaning of what is not said. I want to crouch close and listen to him formulate his thoughts.  But, even then, I would not understand.  There is so much unsaid, especially in these past few days, so much silence. I just don't know how to read the blank parts.

I don't believe I have ever been so mystified by anyone.  Perhaps I have simply not cared  so  much before.

With Liam there is a vast reservoir of otherness, a space into which I am not invited, where I do not feel  welcome.  A great sadness overwhelms me when I think of him this way.  I want to understand, but I think he is pretty sure that I never can. 

He is correct that I am confused by the vast array of technical data which informs his professional self, but I also seem to be unable to understand or perhaps be trusted to understand the intimate thoughts that formulate his connection or lack of connection with me.

I often feel at home here in Australia, and almost as often I feel a stranger in his intimate, personal world.  He refuses to share with me that which moves him to act in his world.  I feel closed out, set adrift, expected to make my own way when what I want most is to understand the way he chooses to move through his personal geography not only as it affects our relationship but as it affects his relationship with others.

These words are not quite right.  I think that perhaps there was a moment in time when he was almost willing to trust, but my own sense of estrangement was so great that he withdrew because what he thought I understood, I clearly did not have the ability to grasp.  There was an unexpected wounding at that point leaving him unwilling to lower the gates a second time.  I am locked out. 

I am suspicious there exists this room in his psyche that in many relationships represents the Blue Beard story.  There are rooms that some of us refuse to open to others.  And when the locks of those rooms are jimmied, when the 'other' in a relationship steps into that space, there is such a fear of what has been seen that the relationship comes to an end.  That special space is simply too vulnerable to share with anyone else, especially a person of the opposite sex.