January 14, 2004
I just want to die. I don’t mean I’m ready to take my own life. I just wish I could disappear, in a puff of smoke, just stop being. This emotional stuff is simply too hard. I don’t want to exist like this. It’s now when I understand why people do commit suicide, why they drive off cliffs and stuff like that—not why they take a long slow slant into death, but why in the moment they just decide to shoot themselves or simply stop being cognizant entities.
So, how do I expalin the difference between thinking and feeling. I can’t. They really can’t be subdivided and I think everyone who knows anything knows that.
What set off this awful sense of sadness, this impossible running my fingers through my hair and wishing I simply weren’t?
This morning when I arose all was well.—or as well as it ever is in my world. I went on line after making my cup of coffee and realized there was no personal e-mail from the man I love. I have given our relationship so much power in my life that to not hear from him is overwhelming.
And then I discovered the words of a wise man:
Instructions for Life in the new millennium from the Dalai Lama:
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, respect for others and
responsibility for all your actions.
4. Not getting what you want is often a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live an honorable life. When you grow older, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current
situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go some place you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for
each other exceeds your need for each other.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.